Crab controversy.

I think I'd better stomp these rumors before they get out of control.

First, according to the National Institute of Health, there are several ways to acquire crabs:

Pubic lice

Pediculosis - pubic lice; Lice - pubic; Crabs

Last reviewed: October 4, 2010.

Pubic lice are small, six-legged creatures that infect the pubic hair area and lay eggs. These lice can also be found in armpit hair and eyebrows.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Pubic lice are known as Phthirus pubis. Lice infestation is found mostly in teenagers and usually spreads during sexual activity.

Sometimes, pubic lice can spread through contact with objects such as toilet seats, sheets, blankets, or bathing suits at a store. However, this type of spreading is rare.

I don't know where I adopted my little friends, but it certainly was not from sexual activity. I had split with my girlfriend well before leaving Syracuse, and I hadn't had any kind of sex (with another person) in an uncomfortably long time. My first stop was in Woodbridge, VA, where my sister, a Marine, lived with her partner and fellow Marine. I stayed there a few weeks and, although I did have some rather strange experiences in Baltimore, I did not have sexual contact with anyone. By the time I arrived at my next stop, Oklahoma City, I had severe itching in the place. While in the bathroom there I saw one of the little buggers jump off, and I knew what was wrong. My host was definitely NOT pleased.

Anyway, the crabs in question appeared in the middle of a long dry spell, sexually speaking. Whether they came from bedding or outer space, I don't suppose I'll ever know. I certainly didn't try on any bathing suits in a store.

I also avoid as much as possible toilet seats in public places. Those of you who have experience with men's rooms know why. Twila tells me that women's rooms are squeaky clean and smell like flowers, which I can't verify, but I can attest that men's rooms do not smell like roses.